Reflections of a Confidant

With tears welling up in your eyes and your chest heaving, you angrily slam the door on yet another argument. How could you not? You have been through this over, and over, and over. And over. And still, nothing changes. Does he not understand how much it hurts? Is he blind to everything it makes you feel? Honestly? I don't know. But, I want to convey as much heart-felt compassion, empathy, and sorrow as possible, because while I've not lived through a spouse's addiction to pornography, I have friends who fight this battle daily.

This post is for them. Those brave women (and men) who are forced to carry the burden of an addiction to something that is as harmful as any illicit drug. It has the potential to destroy countless homes, relationships, careers, childhoods, and marriages. In short, pornography is a disease that is spreading like a pathogen, destroying all it touches.

Sex is everywhere. Sex is rampant in movies, TV, music, and conversation. We see it in glorified, raw form in pretty much any hit TV show. We have become desensitized to it. In the words of one of my favorite Pixar movies, The Incredibles: "If everyone is special, no one is." So it is with sex. Does seeing it in such a manner make it less special? No. But, it does make the meaning become convoluted to the masses; it makes something sacred appear common. It makes something special appear typical. It makes something beautiful appear ugly.

I am religious (obviously). I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and the Son of God. I also believe in the literal existence of Satan. I believe that the reason we came to Earth was to receive a body. And, I believe that so much of what Satan tries to tempt us with, is distractions of the body. Think about it. So much of what people struggle with surrounds them. Eating disorders, pornography, drug addictions, obesity, a disembodiment through technology and avatars, etc. Our bodies are our greatest assets. The very thing by which Satan uses to tempt us, is the thing he will never have. A Body.

Every six months, the Prophet and Twelve Apostles hold a meeting called a General Conference. This is a worldwide event, open to everyone. It can be viewed online or on Television, or if you happen to be in Salt Lake City, Utah, you may even be lucky enough to listen to it in person. These and other auxillary leaders provide talks on the Savior, families, and sometimes warnings. One of those specific warnings - which is addressed year after year - is pornography.

It affects everyone. Even those we would never suspect. It contributes to an unhealthy, unnatural, twisted view of something that is, in reality, a healthy, natural, beautiful event to be experienced by a man and a wife. If you are living with this addiction or know of someone who is, I hope the following heartfelt thoughts help:

1)- You are enough. It's clear to see how one might deduct that a spouse's addiction to pornography means they are not being fulfilled sexually, and thereby the one doing the fulfulling (you) is not meeting those needs. This is false. YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.

2)- Take a step back. Take a deep breath. Know that their addiction has NOTHING to do with you. Repeat it to yourself daily - hourly if need be. A person's addiction has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with you.

3)- Everyone deserves love, no matter what their vice. And guess what? We ALL have vices. Our Savior has commanded us to love everyone. This includes those hurting us - repeatedly - with an addiction. That doesn't mean you have to take the abuse, but please don't let hate consume you.

4)- Our vices do not define us. The world loves labels. The world loves for us to be defined by our vices because it robs us of choice, of action, of hope. Do not let yourself become the addiction. You are more than your struggles. You are more than this temporary failing. You are a Son or Daughter of God. Let THAT define you. Let THAT knowledge give you the power to which you have an inherent right.

5)- Establish an open line of communication. Let your spouse know that you wish to know how their battle with their addiction is going. Chances are, the person with the addiction is experiencing guilt, shame, feelings of inadequacy, and other forms of mental anguish. I know that the world attempts to sell us on the idea that "everyone does it," but deep down inside, something rebels because we inherently know that it's wrong.

6)- Seek support. Encourage your spouse to seek professional help as well. Never underestimate the power of a good licensed therapist. They work wonders in askin the questions that lead to self-discovery.

7)- Realize that you cannot force someone to change. This one is the hardest of all. As much as we implore, as much as we beg, cry, pray, plead, and fight.... a person's desire to change must be experienced firsthand. A person much choose to change, they need to taste that desire for themselves so that when the temptations come again (and come they will) they have the inner-strength to recognize that they are fighting because they wish to do so.

8)- To everyone struggling with these burdens or living through their spouse's, I sincerely wish I could simply lift the burdens and relieve you of them. But I cannot. It's not within my power. However, I know that it's been done already. I know that the Savior has already carried these burdens. Turn to Him.

While we have never met. I love you. While we have never cried together, I have shed tears on your behalf. There is a war being engaged on all fronts. The cost of what is at stake is monumental. We as a society, and as Children of God, deserve better. Do your part. Make the tough calls. Do whatever you must to protect your home, even if that means abstaining from that popular TV Show everyone is raving about, even if it means cancelling your cell phone contract or the internet. Because isn't it worth it? Isn't a happy home, a content marriage, and a safe haven for your children worth it? They are not only worth it, but they're the only things that truly matter.